I’ve learned the hard way that it’s best to pay attention when strange, random, seemingly unrelated events start happening. Here’s a list of the really odd things that happened this last week…
Sunday was my birthday. Hubby made it really nice. Humbled and grateful for the hundreds of birthday wishes I received on Facebook and Instagram. On my personal page, I “liked” and thanked each one. The next day, I realized that no one from my bodybuilding team wished me a happy birthday. (I’m friends with about two dozen on Facebook and I’ve met a few in real life.) That’s OK. I guess I’m not such a good friend – a little used to that since I’m an introvert and I suck at being a good friend to a lot of people. My time online is usually spent uploading content and managing the pages. I don’t interact with people personally very often. But on Facebook, birthdays aren’t something we have to remember – it tells us. So no one from my team? Really? That stuck out as a thing. Why is that something I noticed? Why is it important? A sign to reflect.
On the LMS FB page this week, I had to delete and ban a couple of guys. One who LOVES me (he capitalized it, not me), but started to lecture me on why I shouldn’t have muscles. Definitely putting out the vibe that I should care that he would love me more if I were locked in a basement. The other appears to be using pictures of my feet for his personal porn. Just add it to the list. There is a guy in the middle east somewhere who wants me to carry him around like a baby. No. No. NO.
I have a general habit of unfollowing pages on FB and IG occasionally when I don’t like what they are posting at that time. It’s not my business to tell them how to do things. I expect people unfollow me for the same reasons – again – none of my business. But this particular “unfollow” click de-evolved into an unpleasant confrontation with two young women on my own IG page. Under my “it’s my birthday” post even. Not getting into the details of it. Nothing about it made me think less of these ladies. It was just a thing. And it was just another sign.
My last blog post was about feeling old. By Friday of this week, I felt older and more out of place in the social media fitness world. Super weirdness – the clocks at school this week weren’t working properly. At least once a day, the minute hand would start sweeping like the second hand. Feeling old, watching time sweep by like that…I couldn’t help but see it as a metaphor for how life is passing by so much faster now. You seriously have to admit that was weird – had to be a sign.
Yesterday morning, when I felt confused/sad/beat up/tired on the inside, I was standing in the hall outside my classroom smiling and greeting students. Three former students walked over to say hello and a couple wanted hugs. Over the course of the day, I heard from many former students. Randomly. That’s a big sign.
So what is going on? Not sure yet. But here are my thoughts about these signs this morning…
- It would seem like I’m supposed to shift focus from social media to something else. I would rather write. And Hubby and I have talked about other projects that we want to do, but I haven’t made time.
- The birthday thing is the most petty, but it does bug me. I could just be feeling “introvert-weird” at the moment. Need more time to sort that out.
- The part of my social media involvement that I don’t want to give up is the part that appeals to me as a teacher. It’s this blog. I’ve neglected it, but I think it’s time to do this thing how I started – just document on the blog. I never set out to be a public figure. You’d be hard pressed to find anything I’ve ever posted where I said “I want to inspire people”. However, I’m humbled when I hear that has happened. I see it as a blessing. Perhaps something I posted was someone else’s sign. That feels a bit bigger than me and I’m not taking that for granted. I know what you might be thinking – I started it. I know. I started it when I sent my before/after picture to Siouxcountry back in Dec 2012, but I never expected what has happened since. Remember – I’m an introvert and the attention is NOT comfortable. It’s amazing, I don’t understand it, I’m grateful, but it’s not comfortable.
- My trust in the basic decency of humans has been violated one too many times – thanks to Mr. Bunion Fetish Guy. (You’re creepy and weird, btw.) I know many people are going to think that this is just part of being online. Yes. Absolutely right. But I control my life. My real life right here. right now, in real time where I breathe air and do stuff. I decide how I’m going to be treated. I don’t WANT to grow a thicker skin. I’m not even sure I’m capable of doing that, considering how my brain is wired as a highly-sensitive introvert. I don’t like being distracted. I’m too old to waste time with BS. (Some of the weird love/hate thrown at me has caused my husband and I to worry about my personal safety at times.) If this is something that is part of the online experience, I can fix it easily – I won’t be online.
- What is constant, what I can control, is my work ethic. Training is going well. I’m recovering well even though I’m doing a minicut. My plan is to compete again summer 2017 and my trajectory appears to be for an improved, more competitive physique at that time. That’s my goal. That’s my motivation. How I share this process is the question, isn’t it?
First thing this morning, I deactivated my Instagram account. Didn’t delete it. Just put it away for now. Everything posted there is on the LMS Facebook page anyway.
Not sure what’s next. Just want the time to figure that out.
None of this changes what’s important. I’m a wife. I’m a teacher. I’m a bodybuilder. So I’ll do what I do anytime signs are flying at me like this – I put my head down and lean into it. Home. Teach. Train. Take care of what’s important.
I need to write a funny blog pretty soon. Too damn serious around here lately.