Hey Tammy! Pay Attention!!!

I’ve learned the hard way that it’s best to pay attention when strange, random, seemingly unrelated events start happening.  Here’s a list of the really odd things that happened this last week…

Sunday was my birthday.  Hubby made it really nice.  Humbled and grateful for the hundreds of birthday wishes I received on Facebook and Instagram.  On my personal page, I “liked” and thanked each one.   The next day, I realized that no one from my bodybuilding team wished me a happy birthday.  (I’m friends with about two dozen on Facebook and I’ve met a few in real life.)  That’s OK.  I guess I’m not such a good friend – a little used to that since I’m an introvert and I suck at being a good friend to a lot of people.  My time online is usually spent uploading content and managing the pages.  I don’t interact with people personally very often.  But on Facebook, birthdays aren’t something we have to remember – it tells us.  So no one from my team?  Really?  That stuck out as a thing.  Why is that something I noticed?  Why is it important?  A sign to reflect.

On the LMS FB page this week, I had to delete and ban a couple of guys.  One who LOVES me (he capitalized it, not me), but started to lecture me on why I shouldn’t have muscles.  Definitely putting out the vibe that I should care that he would love me more if I were locked in a basement.  The other appears to be using pictures of my feet for his personal porn.  Just add it to the list.  There is a guy in the middle east somewhere who wants me to carry him around like a baby.  No.  No.  NO.

More signs.

I have a general habit of unfollowing pages on FB and IG occasionally when I don’t like what they are posting at that time.  It’s not my business to tell them how to do things.  I expect people unfollow me for the same reasons – again – none of my business.  But this particular “unfollow” click  de-evolved into an unpleasant confrontation with two young women on my own IG page.  Under my “it’s my birthday” post even.  Not getting into the details of it.  Nothing about it made me think less of these ladies.  It was just a thing.  And it was just another sign.

My last blog post was about feeling old.  By Friday of this week, I felt older and more out of place in the social media fitness world.  Super weirdness – the clocks at school this week weren’t working properly.  At least once a day, the minute hand would start sweeping like the second hand.  Feeling old, watching time sweep by like that…I couldn’t help but see it as a metaphor for how life is passing by so much faster now.  You seriously have to admit that was weird – had to be a sign.

Yesterday morning, when I felt confused/sad/beat up/tired on the inside, I was standing in the hall outside my classroom smiling and greeting students.  Three former students walked over to say hello and a couple wanted hugs.  Over the course of the day, I heard from many former students.  Randomly.  That’s a big sign.

So what is going on?  Not sure yet.  But here are  my thoughts about these signs this morning…

  1. It would seem like I’m supposed to shift focus from social media to something else.  I would rather write. And Hubby and I have talked about other projects that we want to do, but I haven’t made time.
  2. The birthday thing is the most petty, but it does bug me. I could just be feeling “introvert-weird” at the moment.  Need more time to sort that out.
  3. The part of my social media involvement that I don’t want to give up is the part that appeals to me as a teacher.  It’s this blog.  I’ve neglected it, but I think it’s time to do this thing how I started – just document on the blog.  I never set out to be a public figure.  You’d be hard pressed to find anything I’ve ever posted where I said “I want to inspire people”.  However, I’m humbled when I hear that has happened.  I see it as a blessing.  Perhaps something I posted was someone else’s sign.  That feels a bit bigger than me and I’m not taking that for granted.  I know what you might be thinking – I started it.  I know.  I started it when I sent my before/after picture to Siouxcountry back in Dec 2012, but I never expected what has happened since.  Remember – I’m an introvert and the attention is NOT comfortable.  It’s amazing, I don’t understand it, I’m grateful, but it’s not comfortable.
  4. My trust in the basic decency of humans has been violated one too many times – thanks to Mr. Bunion Fetish Guy.  (You’re creepy and weird, btw.)  I know many people are going to think that this is just part of being online.  Yes.  Absolutely right.  But I control my life.  My real life right here. right now, in real time where I breathe air and do stuff.  I decide how I’m going to be treated.  I don’t WANT to grow a thicker skin.  I’m not even sure I’m capable of doing that, considering how my brain is wired as a highly-sensitive introvert.  I don’t like being distracted.  I’m too old to waste time with BS.  (Some of the weird love/hate thrown at me has caused my husband and I to worry about my personal safety at times.)   If this is something that is part of the online experience, I can fix it easily – I won’t be online.
  5. What is constant, what I can control, is my work ethic.  Training is going well.  I’m recovering well even though I’m doing a minicut.  My plan is to compete again summer 2017 and my trajectory appears to be for an improved, more competitive physique at that time.  That’s my goal.  That’s my motivation.  How I share this process is the question, isn’t it?

First thing this morning, I deactivated my Instagram account.  Didn’t delete it.  Just put it away for now.  Everything posted there is on the LMS Facebook page anyway.

Not sure what’s next.  Just want the time to figure that out.

None of this changes what’s important.  I’m a wife.  I’m a teacher.  I’m a bodybuilder.  So I’ll do what I do anytime signs are flying at me like this – I put my head down and lean into it.  Home.  Teach.  Train.  Take care of what’s important.

I need to write a funny blog pretty soon. Too damn serious around here lately.

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6 Comments

Filed under Life, Opinions, Venting, Ranting

6 responses to “Hey Tammy! Pay Attention!!!

  1. Thank you for sharing, as I’m experiencing something eerily familiar. And, as an introvert as well myself my instincts send me into retreat mode. Then there’s that inner voice – the one intermixed with the fast-ticking clock that says, “haters gonna hate, the self-absorbed aren’t going to notice and the wackos are well….are what they are. Ignore them and live for yourself, yours is the only opinion that matters. Still, a little validation once in a while would be nice 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. kimmyplease

    Introvert in disguise-I look for signs every where. Keep lifting up the humor-forget the DS! Ewww feet,Eww carrying an adult baby..ahahaha

    Liked by 1 person

  3. E

    Tammy,

    I appreciate this blog. I’m a first year teacher who aspires to be a figure bodybuilder. I’m in my earlier 30’s and I’ve been struggling SO much this year. I work at a charter in a socioeconomically disadvantaged area teaching ELA. Approximately 75% of my students don’t read at grade-level. Planning effectively has been really hard, and I’m also going to school once a week to get credentialed in California. Work/life balance is a big deal to me–I know the first year is the hardest. But I’m wondering how sustainable my current situation really is. Admin is also new. The majority of the teachers this year were new. I kind of just want to leave because I feel like I haven’t received the support I need to be an effective educator. It sucks that I feel this way, and I also feel like another statistic in the current repertoire about teachers who leave after their first year or within their first 5 years. I’m really having a difficult time. I’m hoping i’ll make it until the end of the year without any sort of mental health or physical problems. I’ve though about moving schools at the end of the year but I’m not sure if that will help what it is that I’m feeling right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • What grade level are you certified to teach? Just curious. I know there is a difference at different levels. I tried to do middle school, but couldn’t manage the extra expectations imposed at that level that go beyond the teaching duties.Different prinicipals do things differently, too. The best administrators trust their teachers. The more micro-management going on, the more stressed the admin. That poo rolls down hill. It is overwhelming at first. You will learn to be more efficient. You will learn that every new class prep is just like starting over, but the time it takes to get things organized shortens. You need to set boundaries and take care of yourself. You won’t do everything as well now as you will in a couple of years. That’s frustrating, so forgive yourself. New teachers have a lot of eyes on them, so they feel the heat, but honestly, people mostly want to help. They are just throwing a lot of “help” at new teachers too fast. Lifting is your “me” time. I would advise against competing this year, though. Prep is too physically stressful to combine with first year teaching.

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    • Oh yeah – I don’t think any of us have a majority of kids at grade level. In any subject. Grade “levels” have been sliding up. I suspect that has something to do with $$. Can’t sell “reform” if there is nothing to reform, right? Oops! Did I say that out loud? For a couple decades I just remind myself that if the kid is there, they want to learn. No one wants to fail, although they will make it seem that way. They don’t.

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