This one is for me. I haven’t written in a while and I need to release this stuff into the Universe. It’s been building up…
Today is the last day of my 51st year. I’m having a very, very hard time with this birthday. Very. Hard. I’m not exactly sure why. No, that’s not true. I’m just beyond busy. And since I’m the “strong one”, I’ll find a way to deal with it because that’s what I do.
I’m annoyed by almost everything these days.
Annoyance #1: My birthday is on Valentine’s Day. And it’s on a Friday this year. Ugh. Seriously people?? Do you ALL have to go out and make the logistics of celebrating my birthday so freakin’ complicated?? Solution – my birthday has been moved to Sunday, the 16th. Sadly, this also wrecks Valentine’s Day in a way. My husband does make it special. I’m the curmudgeon.
Annoyance #2: People. People who make appointments with me and then reschedule. I can’t reschedule!!! My days are packed! And every afternoon after work has something scheduled. Every week. So if you cannot keep the appointment time you made with me, I have to just skip it. I’ve had people who asked to meet with me for my help with something- stand me up. No show. No text. No email. Nada. Awesome. And it seems there is regularly some appointment I’m asked to make during a time when I’m teaching. Do regular people seriously just leave work to do things during the day?? I can’t do that. I’m kind of responsible for kids and stuff. Won’t even start with the insensitive things people say to me sometimes. I do bite back sometimes. I’ve learned that women are considered either “nice” (aka ‘a doormat’) or “bitches” (aka ‘self-respecting and confident’) by many people. I’d rather be a bitch at this point in my life. I have things to do and taking care of the feelings of people who aren’t thinking about mine when they say some of the things they do – well, that’s just no longer on my agenda.
Annoyance #3: Sleep. I made a deal with myself to get 8-9 hours of good sleep every night. Pretty sure that’s impossible. My Bodybugg tracks sleep efficiency. Even IF I can manage to get to bed early enough, I’m not getting sleepy early enough, so I’m only getting 6 hours on a week night. To make this happen, I’ve moved my lifts to the afternoons so I can sleep a little later. To make the afternoon lifts work in the schedule, all my other things needed to happen when they were supposed to happen – refer back to Annoyance #2.
Annoyance #4: Pain. But for some reason, I’m not recovering and have been having a lot of pain. I suspect that is due to the fall I had a couple weeks ago because someone put a stupid slippy rug on a concrete floor and I went down on my right wrist like I would have fallen on ice. I was bruised and banged up. I would normally have a regular massage to work things out, but refer to Annoyance #2 again – my standing appointment time didn’t work out for her. So I’ve been dealing with the painful side effects of the fall and of my training for about three weeks now. My back has had days when it just spasms and cramps up to the point when I can’t move. Not while lifting – no. When I’m stretching. Or rolling over in bed. Ugh.
Annoyance #5: I’m crispy. I don’t want to be a teacher anymore. I love my students. It’s the whole job that’s become too much. It’s the constant paradox of working in this system that thinks it’s improving itself when it’s just wasting time pretending it’s improving itself for documentation on reports that bureaucrats send to each other to justify their existence. That endless game has just whittled my patience down to nothing. I want to retire and follow this new path I’ve been on – personal training. But I can’t afford to quit teaching until I build that business. And I can’t build that business while I’m too busy being a teacher. Paradox. I got a new class to teach and it’s really kicking my ass. As my friend said yesterday, “It’s not just any class – it’s the hardest math class offered in high school. Um, it’s actually one of the hardest math classes offered in college.” It’s Calculus 2. True, I have a math degree, but I haven’t ever taught this material and I haven’t taken the class since 1992, I think? I don’t remember. It’s been a while. And some of the topics I have to teach weren’t covered in the class I took, so I’m teaching myself the material from scratch. Using a lot of YouTube videos. Ugh.
Annoyance #6: Too many people take Valentine’s Day off, and that can make extra work for those of us who show up. This is a combo of #1 and #5. Valentine’s Day at a high school is, let’s say, dramatic. Kids are distracted and don’t want to do anything. They are either distracted in a good way or a bad way. Very high drama. My campus has four separate buildings, and in each building, there are about 15 teachers. In my building alone, I know of 7 teachers who are out today for various reasons. Seven subs in one building. And half of our administrators are out today, as well. And half of the custodial staff, I heard. It’s like my birthday is a national holiday, but I’ve got to work.
At the bottom of all of this is a realization that there is a finite number of days left. I’m tired. I don’t want to be a responsible grown up anymore. I don’t want to die a teacher. I don’t want a memorial at school. I have other things I want to do before I get too old to do them.
And tomorrow I’m 52. Maybe that seems like a silly age to be freaking out, but my mother died when she was 56. I will probably live longer, but I don’t want to get to 56 still waiting to do the next thing someday. I feel like “someday” is now.
This must be what a mid-life crisis feels like. Or maybe it’s something else.
Annoyance #7: Windows. Windows doing an upgrade WHILE I’m trying to write this blog post. Ugh!!! My Dell laptop is about 100 years old. If I could afford it, I’d go get a new Mac.