On Aging…

It doesn’t happen often, but there are days like today when I feel old.

It’s not something that I think about very much.  I’m usually focused on the tasks of the day.

But then something happens or something is said that pushes me out of my present and I see my life in total.  I see where it might be going.  I get a little panicked by the thought…

“Is this all there is?”

I was born 51 years and 7 months ago today.  Middle-aged.  Likely more like two-thirds aged.

I work with young people all day.  Teenagers at work.  Colleagues that are younger.  The other trainers I work with at my second job are a lot younger.  It’s weird and a little insulting to be lectured to by people who discount life experience and an 18 year career as a teacher.  (FYI – teaching high school math has a skill set that translates very well to personal training.)  Don’t get me wrong – there is a lot, A LOT, that I want to learn.  But I’m not without a clue.

And in the fitness side of my life, one’s appearance has more importance than it deserves.  Too many young people are trying to find fulfillment chasing things that don’t matter.   The preoccupation with youth and sexual attractiveness was front and center all day online and in conversations.

I can imagine that many of you are reading this thinking that it is very odd that I’m writing about this because I made this transformation.  Maybe you think I get this kind of attention?  I’d be shocked if you thought I did.  I don’t.  I don’t want it, either. I also don’t react very well to the “for your age” kind of compliments.

And normally I don’t feel like this.  But for some reason today, I’m feeling a little less… empowered… than normal. Maybe it’s because my gray roots are just a little too visible and I can’t get in to have them colored for another month.  Or maybe it’s that the skin on my face and elsewhere is a little droopy.  It’s probably a menopause mood swing she types shaking her head and rolling her eyes thinking yeah that’s probably it.  When can a girl get a break here?  PMS and then menopause?  

I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished.  I’m not particularly proud or ashamed of my age – it’s just a fact that I’ve been alive 18,629 days.  JFK was president when I was born.  In fact, he had a press conference on that day.  My birth was not discussed. 😉

 

Maybe the weird sadness I’m feeling is just a disconnect between how I see myself, how I feel, and how I interpret how people have been relating to me lately.  But honestly, by just the numbers, I could easily be the mother (or even grandmother) of most people I interact with these days.

A whole lot of my followers are older than I am.  I hope you understand that this is just a weird day.  You’ve probably had them yourself.  I’m sure some are analyzing now – don’t bother.  I’m not denying a little “mid-life crisis”, “aging un-gracefully”, or “fear of death” action going on in my head.  It’s just weird that I’m not shaking it off as quickly today as I usually do.

I did pay the entry fee to play strong woman next Saturday.  I’m not particularly thrilled with the idea that I have to cut weight this week to make the “under 145 lbs” class.  I weighed 146 this morning first thing, so assuming issues with different scales, I should try to drop around 5 pounds.  That just annoys me.  Cutting water is not super fun.

OK – that’s all the self-absorbed whining I can tolerate tonight.

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14 Comments

Filed under Life, Opinions, Venting, Ranting, Strong Woman Training

14 responses to “On Aging…

  1. I can relate. For me it has to do with the seasons….as fall approaches I find myself feeling life’s endpoints with a bit more poignancy. IMO it’s good to feel them, but not wallow in ’em.
    Good luck with your Play Strong event!
    *anna

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  2. Nancy C.

    I don’t see this as a pity party but more trying to come to terms with where you fit in the scheme of things. You’re not what a 51 year old is supposed to be so, sure, it’s weird to reconcile who you are with who you’re “supposed” to be. All you can be is you with no apologies ever. And these periods of reflection are part of getting to believe that apologies are never necessary. You’re an experiment of one. Own it.

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  3. Nancy C.

    And I hope you enjoy the strong person event. You’re such a inspiration to me as I go about my own experiment of one.

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  4. Sometimes I’ll see a picture of my babies. They’re grown up now. I miss my babies

    I saw a documentary from 1988. It seems like yesterday. That was a quarter century ago.

    I had plans, ideas, and goals. I have accomplished much but not as much as I thought I would. Opportunities pass like water under a bridge.

    We all have moments of trepidation and that’s what I like about your blog. You don’t sugar coat life’s issues with platitudes.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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  5. Liz

    I can’t help but analyze. It’s who I am (psychotherapist)!
    “I should try to drop around 5 pounds. That just annoys me. Cutting water is not super fun.”
    I’d be annoyed too. And I’m 52.

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    • I am happy to be motivated to cut for reasons other than body image. If I weigh in at 146, I will have to press an extra 10 lbs over my head and lift the 135 lb keg to a platform that is 7 inches higher than what I’d have to do if my weigh in is 144 lbs. However, after the weigh in on Friday morning, I will get rehydrated and carb the heck up. It will be glorious. On Saturday, I will be a she-monster. 😉

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  6. I’m there with you… albeit a few years old (I turned 56 in June). For the most part I don’t have time for the “feeling old” thing, but it certainly does happen. I work as a personal trainer. Two of the other trainers are older than I am. But, two of them are young enough to be my sons. As you might guess from this, I AM THE ONLY FEMALE TRAINER at our gym, AND I’m over 50. Double-dare anyone on the “…good for a girl” or “… good for an old gal” remarks, lest my talons come out. Ha!

    You inspire me, and I feel I have somewhere to go when I’m feeling my age or my gender (or both!). Thank you for being real, right where you are!

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  7. Colin DeWaay

    Good luck next Saturday! Looking forward to hearing (maybe seeing?) all about it!

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  8. You are awesome! Thanks for sharing your difficulty. There is healing in talking at times!

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