I was thinking about my week. It was an interesting week. Martha called it my “Rockstar Week”. I have been blessed and I know it. And yet, I still get into these little funky moods when I am stressed about having to manage all the blessings. I was contemplating a blog post about my week, but I’m busy with food prep and chores. But sometimes, I’m just overcome by a need to write. Write right now. Drop everything and write.
Today, it was that story I just reblogged about Kayln.
The reminder for me through her story was powerful. I am dealing with NOTHING compared to many of my brothers and sisters on the planet. NOTHING. My cross is light in comparison to most, and I need that reminder all the time because I live in my own head too much.
I am healthy. I am well fed. I am married to a great guy who loves me. I live in a warm house, have warm clothes, and have a good job. And any one, or several, of those circumstances can change in a heartbeat.
I practice gratitude daily anyway, but right now, I’m crying as I write this because I’m ashamed of myself for manufacturing problems to worry about. Especially after a week like this one. THAT is not being grateful. That is being self-absorbed. I don’t like it. Some will probably try to make me feel better by saying I deserved the attention I received. I disagree. I did what I wanted to do (bodybuilding), I was able to do it because I was healthy, could afford it, and my hubby was willing to pick up the slack of everything I don’t do anymore because I decided to live this new life.
I don’t believe my story is intended to bring attention to me. I’m not sure how He is using me right now, or where my life path is going, but even saying those things sounds egotistical to me. Things were so much simpler when only a few people read my blog – usually just my friends Marie and Lori. Now, when I write something, I think about how strangers are going to hear it. I pray that all of this buzzing around me is really meant to help light a fire under a few folks so that they will take care of themselves. That’s all. But that’s so much. When I get a message from someone telling me that their mom, dad, or they themselves as parents, have turned things around with their health – well yeah. I that’s what I think this is about.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I’m writing this for myself right now. I need to say that I don’t feel like I’m bearing any crosses, or if I am, they are light. I recognize the crosses others carry are much heavier, so when they do anything remotely like what I’ve done to improve the quality and duration of their lives, I’m humbled. And I am so grateful that He bore the heaviest cross for us so that I can bumble around and screw up and still be invited home.
I saved this blog as a draft and left it alone for a minute. Thought to myself that it’s ironic to blog about how I hate being egotistical, because, well – that’s what blogging is all about – me. What I think, what I did, yada, yada, yada. So I left it for a minute and went over and checked Facebook. There was a little notification from the app called “God Wants You to Know”. Of course we all know that it’s not really God sending message through Facebook, but it’s a pretty cool notification to get every so often. This is what it said just now…
“These sparks of Divinity and love can reach into the darkness and transform it. However, there may be times when you need to shine your heart extra brightly because others may be struggling to keep their spark alive. Let your light bring hope to a situation that feels dark and hopeless.”
Really??? Didn’t I just say “light a fire under someone”?? Sure, I know it’s just a person somewhere typing something for the app. But when the message is legit and timely… well, it freaks me out when God sends me messages through Facebook.
OK. I’ll publish this post.