Show is 6 weeks from tomorrow. I’m very busy these days. I started teaching summer school this week. It goes for 3 weeks, 7 am to noon. Sure, it’s only 4 hours of teaching, but it can take several hours to prep lessons. And there are papers to grade.
In order to be able to sleep as late as possible (it seems a healthy dose of sleep each day seems to be accelerating my progress), I decided to do just a short cardio in the mornings before work and lift in the afternoons. I do a second cardio after lifting on most days. I could use all this busyness as my excuse for not blogging frequently, and it’s valid, but I think the real reason is that it’s getting harder to be transparent with this process. Part of me just wants to knuckle down, get the work done, and not take time to do anything other than what I have to do. That’s probably smart. But to be honest, a part of me just wants to hide. This is getting really REAL, really fast. I’m not sure if I’m more afraid to fail or succeed.
Fear of Failure
- Everyone knows I’ve been working to hit this goal for two years, so missing it would be embarrassing. More than embarrassing – disappointing. When I started this blog, I thought it was just going to be documentation of my process. But it’s become more than that. Through it, I’ve made new friends, reconnected with old friends, and have been humbled to learn there are some who read it for inspiration for their own health transformation. I know I have a lot of support and a lot of people rooting for me. I don’t take that lightly. It does push me. Thank you. I really want to follow through and do what I said I was going to do.
- Missing this show would validate the people I used to trust to have my back, but they flipped their script and told me that I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own – but for a mere $1000 a month, they could “guarantee” my success. Betrayal and arrogance with a scoop of bullshit on top. I don’t talk about it much, but when I’m tired, hungry, want to skip that last set, or sleep in some morning, I remember. Last winter, right after it happened, I told Bob about it. (He’s the owner of my gym.) He told me that stuff like that just becomes “fire in the belly”. He was right. That’s exactly what happened. I am the one who guarantees my success. So I can’t fail.
Fear of Success
- If (ok, when – I can hear you yelling ‘when’ at me as you read it) this all works, I’ll be on stage in a bikini on Saturday, August 25. This is a major step outside a big comfort zone for this woman who can’t walk around the house in her underwear. Not just on a stage. On a stage in what looks like a big show, lots of competitors, with video cameras, two jumbo screens, and a live web-cast.
- I have to learn to pose and do a routine. I have all the grace and flexibility of a cinder block. I have a muscle imbalance my right hip. I’ve been working on it, but progress is slow. I can literally trip on my own feet. My confidence level about doing a routine in that little bikini without falling on what I hope will a great set of glutes is low.
- I have no stage presence at all. I don’t know how to smile and look “appealing”. I make my living teaching math to teenagers. Looking “appealing” is not in the skill set. “Scary”, “intimidating”, and “authoritative” – I can do those. I have one of those “teacher looks” that can stop anyone in their tracks.
My two fears play teeter-totter. As long as I keep them balanced, not letting one get noisier in my head than the other, they seems to nullify each other. So I just continue to follow the routines and do the stuff I need to do every day. But I have to actively ignore both frequently throughout the day.
Got good news this week about my efforts. In the last five weeks, I’ve lost 4.5 pounds of fat. More is always better than less in the fat department – especially as that little bikini thing looms – but I’m pleased. I seem to be losing fat faster now. I’ve been doing it carefully and in a healthy way. I’m getting good advice and I’m smart. The closer I get to the show, I think I’m on the right track. I can step things up short term without a health risk.
So after explaining why I’m nervous about sharing the rest of this journey, how about I ignore all of that and show the videos my friend Dietrich made the other day when he was coaching me on how to pose? OK? Let’s do it. Forge ahead with total disregard for personal humiliation. These are really hard for me to watch. But I am watching them a lot so I can learn. This is not how I want to look. I’m hoping to make big improvements with the posing fast. Practice. Lots and lots of practice. (There are several because D needed to cut them to send them to me through e-mail. I’m only showing you a few of them now.)