I’m abnormal (revised)

Dear “Everybody-Who- Took-A-Shot-At-Me” this last week…
Yeah, I know I’m not “normal”. You don’t need to keep telling me that. I heard it one too many times over the last week. From people I expect to hear it from and from people I didn’t. And even from that little voice in my head that thinks I’m nuts.
I eat funny.
I work out too much.
I’m too disciplined. (What the f*** is that?)
Please excuse my bluntness, but SHUT UP!
I have a big goal – on paper, an impossible one. As much as I try to ignore it, I know I’m a little past my prime to start bodybuilding. And unless I work hard, and even if I do work hard, I could fail. Failure means years of workouts, diet, supplements, training – wasted. The farther down the road I get, the more invested I am. The more I work, the more I want to achieve.
So no, I really don’t need you to tell me I’m different. I already know that.
And yes, I’m going to be grumpy sometimes. I probably would be anyway considering the 12 workouts a week and strict diet. But there is also the menopause thing. And I’m too old to really care what you think about me being grumpy so telling me I’m grumpy is just a waste of time. I’m 49 and over it. I’m not kicking kittens or verbally abusive and mean. I’m just grumpy sometimes. Other times, I say stupid shit. Can’t take it back and I’m sorry, but it’s going to happen. Trust me. The majority of the stupid shit said is happening in my head directed to myself – which makes me sound a little psycho – or menopausal. So deal.
Bodybuilding is more of a discipline of the mind than of the body. And I’m not really all that used to it. It’s 24/7. (That’s probably why there are dozens of motivational videos on YouTube for bodybuilders – and it hasn’t gotten by me that NONE have female bodybuilders.) I have to psyche myself up every day, every workout. None of this is routine to me. For every exercise, every rep, I wonder if my form is right, if I’m contracting the muscle enough – am I doing it right? Am I cheating and missing the muscle I’m supposed to be working? Nothing is routine. How much weight can I handle? How can I do this so I won’t aggravate my shoulder or my elbow or my knees? Everything I eat is recorded. And I have to think about every single calorie – do I need carbs or proteins right now? Do I have a surplus or a deficit right now? Did I eat enough to get through this workout? Did I eat enough of the right stuff? Did I take my supplements? Am I sleeping enough? Should I stretch more? (yes) Should I do yoga for flexibility? (again, yes, but time is an issue) When will I practice posing?
And yeah, I’m disciplined, but I’m not a robot. So knock it off, Everyone-Who-Feels-Compelled-To-Take-A-Shot (including me). You’re either on “Team Tammy” or you’re not. If not, own it and stay out of my way – unless you are me. If you are me, get over it and get back to work.
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